Full-Spectrum Forgiveness: Healing Every Part of Yourself
By Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder
The Betrayal
When Alex was in high school, his best friend Liam spread a false rumor that Alex had cheated on a significant exam that quickly went viral on social media. Alex felt humiliated, betrayed, and deeply hurt. He stopped talking to Liam, withdrew from others, and carried silent anger for over a year. Though the rumor faded, the wound remained.
The Lingering Pain
What surprised Alex most wasn’t how much it hurt—but how long the pain stayed. Even after Liam apologized months later, Alex still felt tense every time he thought about it. He had trouble trusting people and found himself replaying the betrayal in his mind, over and over.
It wasn’t until a school counselor gently helped him name what he was feeling—grief, anger, embarrassment—that something started to shift. Alex began to see that holding onto the pain was costing him more than letting it go. Slowly, he worked through the layers of emotion. He journaled, talked it out, cried, and eventually realized that forgiveness wasn’t about making Liam right—it was about giving himself the peace he deserved.
Levels of Forgiveness
Alex’s story shows us something powerful: real healing doesn’t happen all at once, and forgiveness isn’t just a decision—it’s a process. With the help of his school counselor, Alex began addressing forgiveness on multiple levels:
Mental Healing: Changing the Narrative
Mentally, Alex challenged the belief that he could never trust again. Initially, he convinced himself that Liam’s betrayal meant everyone else would eventually hurt him too, leaving him feeling helpless and vulnerable. Through journaling and conversations with his counselor, Alex began examining these negative beliefs. He asked himself important questions: Did Liam’s actions truly represent Alex’s worth? Was it fair to let one painful event shape his entire view of people and relationships? By confronting these questions, Alex gradually rewrote the story in his mind—not to excuse Liam, but to regain control of how he saw himself. He realized Liam’s mistake was about Liam’s own insecurities, not Alex’s character. This process helped Alex understand that he wasn’t powerless and the betrayal didn’t define who he was.
Physical Healing: Releasing Stress
Physically, Alex became aware of how his body was holding onto stress. Every time he remembered the rumor or thought about Liam, he noticed his muscles tightening, his fists clenching, and a heaviness settling in his stomach. He frequently had stomachaches, felt tense and exhausted, and had trouble sleeping at night. Realizing that this physical tension was connected to his emotional pain, Alex decided to address it intentionally. He started practicing deep breathing exercises every morning and evening, allowing himself to slow down and notice the tension releasing from his body. He also began taking long daily walks, focusing on the rhythm of his steps and the calming sensation of fresh air. As Alex moved his body, he felt the stress and tension gradually lifting, and his physical symptoms—like stomachaches and sleepless nights—slowly began to ease, allowing him to feel physically calmer and healthier.
Emotional Healing: Facing the Feelings
Emotionally, Alex allowed himself to deeply feel the sadness, disappointment, and hurt he had previously tried to push away. Initially, he avoided confronting these emotions, believing it was easier to ignore the pain than to face it. But with the counselor's support, Alex began talking openly about his feelings, acknowledging the depth of his sadness, anger, and even embarrassment. He let himself cry when emotions overwhelmed him, understanding that tears were part of his healing. Alex also took time to write down how he felt, expressing all the emotions he'd buried inside. By giving himself space and permission to genuinely grieve what he'd lost—trust, friendship, and peace—he slowly released the emotional weight he'd carried. This honest expression led to genuine emotional relief, creating space for him to reconnect with joy and hope.
Spiritual Healing: Forgiving Himself
Spiritually, Alex recognized that true forgiveness involved forgiving himself. He had unknowingly held onto an impossible goal: wishing he could change the past or gain validation that he didn't deserve the hurt. Holding onto this goal had kept him trapped in bitterness and regret. By releasing this unattainable desire and acknowledging that he deserved peace regardless of Liam’s actions, Alex reclaimed his personal power. He reconnected with his core values of kindness, empathy, and inner strength. Ultimately, spiritual forgiveness freed Alex to embrace the present moment fully, unburdened by the past.
The Precursor to Forgiveness
Before forgiveness could happen, Alex had to get honest about how much he was hurting. That emotional honesty was the precursor to forgiveness. He reached a point where the pain of holding on became greater than the fear of letting go. That’s when he asked, “Is there another way?”—and opened the door to true healing.
Why Forgiveness Matters
Forgiveness is not a pardon or a free pass. It doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t hurt or saying the behavior was okay. And it’s not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the pain, even if the other person never says sorry.
When we fail to forgive, the resentment and anger we hold onto can cause lasting damage, creating disease and suffering. Unresolved emotional pain elevates stress hormones like cortisol, which weakens the immune system and makes us more susceptible to illness. Emotionally, unresolved anger and bitterness can lead to depression, anxiety, and chronic emotional distress. Mentally, continually replaying hurtful experiences can disrupt our focus, creativity, and ability to form healthy relationships. Spiritually, staying stuck in resentment disconnects us from our core values and inner peace, leaving us feeling empty or lost. Ultimately, choosing not to forgive traps us in our pain, limiting our happiness and overall health.
Scientific research strongly supports these effects. Chronic unforgiveness elevates stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, increasing risks for heart disease and diabetes and weakening the immune system (Toussaint et al., 2018; Piedmont Healthcare, 2023). Emotionally, it leads to higher anxiety, depression, and hostility, while forgiveness has been shown to significantly improve emotional well-being, reducing negative emotions and increasing hopefulness (Harvard Health Publishing, 2021; Toussaint et al., 2023). Spiritually, holding grudges creates inner turmoil, whereas forgiveness promotes peace and alignment with personal values (Mayo Clinic, 2020).
Forgiveness as Freedom
To truly heal, forgiveness must reach all levels. When we forgive with our minds, we change the story. When we forgive with our bodies, we release stress. When we forgive emotionally, we feel lighter. When we forgive spiritually, we reconnect to peace.
Forgiveness takes courage. But it’s also one of the most powerful and healing choices we can make—for ourselves. Holding onto resentment and anger keeps us emotionally trapped, drains our energy, and prevents us from fully experiencing joy and peace. Forgiveness isn't about setting someone else free; it's about setting ourselves free from emotional burdens, restoring our inner peace, and reclaiming our ability to move forward with strength and positivity.
What part of your life might still need forgiveness? Visit us and explore.
Sources:
Toussaint, L., Shields, G. S., & Slavich, G. M. (2018).
"Forgiveness, stress, and health: A 5-week dynamic parallel process study."
Annals of Behavioral Medicine.
Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6259716/Piedmont Healthcare. (2023).
"How does holding a grudge affect your health?"
Retrieved from https://www.piedmont.org/living-real-change/how-does-holding-a-grudge-affect-your-healthHarvard Health Publishing. (2021).
"The Power of Forgiveness."
Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgivenessToussaint, L., Worthington, E. L., Jr., & Williams, D. R. (2023).
"Forgiveness and emotional health."
International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.
Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10120569/Mayo Clinic. (2020).
"Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness."
Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692