This Is Why We React to People Who Aren’t Like Us
By Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder
It started with a scarf.
After years of spiritual searching, Leila converted to Islam and began wearing a hijab—a soft, olive green one that framed her kind eyes and calm smile. She still lived in the same tidy house in her suburban U.S. neighborhood. Still kept her garden neat. Still waved at passing cars.
But almost overnight, something shifted.
Neighbors who once stopped to chat no longer made eye contact. Conversations dried up. One afternoon, as Leila sat reading quietly in her front yard, a patrol car slowed in front of her home. Someone had reported a “suspicious person.”
It was her.
What Happened?
No one said anything directly to Leila. But the silence was unmistakable.
The shift wasn’t personal—it was cultural. In a country where media and politics have long linked Islam with danger, even a peaceful, book-reading woman could seem “foreign.” Her neighbors didn’t know her story. But they thought they knew enough.
That’s what fear does. It fills in the blanks with suspicion. When left unchecked, fear becomes assumption. And assumption often becomes intolerance.
This Is Why We React to People Who Aren’t Like Us
To truly understand why we react to difference, we need to take a holistic view—one that includes psychology, biology, culture, and spirituality. Intolerance isn’t born from cruelty. It’s often rooted in unfamiliarity, identity fragility, cultural conditioning, and disconnection.
1. The Brain Craves Familiarity
Our brains are wired to seek sameness. It’s called in-group bias, a survival mechanism that once kept early humans safe in tight-knit tribes. Today, that instinct shows up as subtle discomfort around people who look, speak, or worship differently from us. The brain confuses difference with danger—unless we’ve trained it to do otherwise.
2. Culture Teaches Us Who to Fear
From childhood, we absorb messages about who is “safe” or “normal.” These ideas come from media, religion, education, and social groups. Decades of negative portrayals of Muslims, immigrants, LGBTQ+ individuals, and other minorities shape our subconscious views—even when we consciously reject prejudice.
Unless examined, these cultural imprints silently inform our reactions.
3. Difference Challenges Identity
When someone lives differently from us, it can feel like a challenge to our own beliefs or lifestyle. If we define ourselves by being right or “normal,” then their existence—even without confrontation—feels destabilizing. So we reject instead of reflect.
But that rejection often masks a deeper fear: What if my way isn’t the only way?
4. Spiritual Disconnection Fuels Intolerance
At a soul level, intolerance comes from forgetting that all people—regardless of religion, skin tone, or background—are expressions of the divine. When we stop seeing others as sacred, we start sorting them into “us” and “them.”
Spiritual maturity calls us back to unity. Not uniformity, but honoring the humanity in every face.
What Changed
Months after the silent stares began, something shifted again.
Karen, a neighbor, approached the fence while Leila was watering her plants.
She didn’t arrive with a speech. She came with a question:
“Would you mind if I asked what wearing the scarf means to you?”
Leila paused, then smiled.
“Not at all. Want to sit and have some tea?”
They talked. About faith, family, food. Karen didn’t try to debate. Leila didn’t try to convert. They listened. And slowly, what had felt like a wall became a window.
Fear dissolved.
Assumptions faded.
And a scarf became a bridge—not a barrier.
Why This Matters for Our Health and Well-Being
You might think this is just a moral or social issue. But research shows that choosing compassion and understanding over judgment directly benefits your health—especially as we age.
Here’s how:
1. Less Stress, More Peace
Holding judgment or fear activates your stress response—even subconsciously. Over time, this raises cortisol, blood pressure, and inflammation, which increases the risk of heart disease, digestive issues, and insomnia.
Practicing empathy, on the other hand, lowers anxiety and calms the nervous system. According to Harvard Medical School, letting go of fear-based narratives improves overall health by reducing chronic stress.
2. Improved Cognitive Function and Emotional Health
People who are open to diverse relationships show better emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility. Studies in Frontiers in Psychology show that empathetic individuals tend to experience less anxiety, fewer mood swings, and better problem-solving abilities.
Your brain works better when it’s not burdened by constant fear or reactivity.
3. Deeper Connection, Longer Life
Social connection is one of the greatest predictors of longevity. But intolerance isolates us.
By building bridges instead of walls, you create new pathways for community, friendship, and protective social ties that buffer against loneliness, depression, and even cognitive decline.
4. Greater Spiritual Peace
Judgment constricts. Compassion expands. When we soften toward others, we return to our true nature—not just as social beings, but as spiritual ones.
Forgiveness, humility, and openness are cornerstones of spiritual health in nearly every tradition. They help us feel more aligned, more grateful, and more at peace with ourselves.
A New Kind of Strength
Tolerance doesn’t mean agreement. It means creating space for someone else’s wholeness—whether or not you understand or share it.
We heal intolerance not through debate, but through courageous listening, inner honesty, and small, brave acts of connection.
Like Karen, you might start with a single question.
Like Leila, you might respond with kindness.
And like both of them, you might just rediscover how expansive the human heart can be.
“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are—and allow others to do the same.”
— Brené Brown