By: Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder

Healing from childhood trauma is a complex journey that requires navigating deep emotional wounds caused by early adverse experiences. These experiences, such as neglect, abuse, abandonment, or witnessing violence, profoundly disrupt emotional stability, security, and overall well-being. Achieving meaningful and lasting recovery depends heavily on feeling emotionally safe and receiving authentic empathy from those around us.

However, this essential foundation of emotional safety can be compromised if a person in your support system struggles with emotional availability. Emotional unavailability occurs when someone is unable or unwilling to fully engage on an emotional level. This often stems from personal fears, unresolved past trauma, or habitual emotional detachment. Similarly, self-preservation mode refers to protective behaviors adopted to shield oneself from emotional distress. These protective behaviors commonly manifest as withdrawal, defensiveness, or emotional distancing.

For someone on a healing path, navigating a relationship with a partner who is emotionally unavailable or frequently in self-preservation mode significantly complicates and can even hinder the healing process.

Real-Life Story: Sarah and Mark

Sarah grew up in a household characterized by emotional neglect and instability. Her upbringing left her with deep-seated fears of abandonment and rejection. Entering into a relationship with Mark initially brought hope for emotional security and support. However, Mark, grappling with his own unresolved traumas with his family, defaulted to emotional withdrawal as a coping mechanism.

Whenever Sarah was triggered by reminders of her past trauma, she naturally sought emotional reassurance and connection from Mark. Instead, Mark often responded defensively or emotionally distanced himself, overwhelmed by Sarah’s emotional expressions. His reactions were rooted in fears of inadequacy and of being overwhelmed by his unresolved issues.

The ongoing emotional disconnect intensified Sarah’s feelings of isolation and abandonment, exacerbating her trauma triggers. Conversely, Mark felt increasingly inadequate and pressured, deepening his self-protective emotional withdrawal. The emotional gap between them widened, creating a vicious cycle of unmet needs and escalating emotional tension.

Ultimately, the couple sought professional help to bridge this emotional gap. Through therapy, Sarah learned to cultivate internal safety independent of Mark’s emotional availability. Mark, on the other hand, developed healthier coping mechanisms, allowing him to remain emotionally present without feeling overwhelmed.

Analysis and Insights

Research consistently supports the significance of emotional empathy and availability in trauma recovery.

According to trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, empathetic, attuned, and non-reactive relationships can significantly reduce trauma-induced dysregulation, promoting long-term emotional resilience. Van der Kolk highlights measurable neurological changes that occur when individuals feel genuinely heard and understood.
Bowlby and Ainsworth's Attachment Theory supports the significance of emotional empathy and availability in trauma recovery by emphasizing how consistent emotional responsiveness from caregivers creates secure attachments in childhood. These secure attachments directly contribute to an individual's capacity to regulate emotions, reduce anxiety, and build resilience. Essentially, secure attachment formed through empathetic and available relationships provides a foundation of emotional stability and safety, crucial for effectively recovering from trauma.
Charuvastra and Cloitre’s (2014) research published in the Annual Review of Psychology found that consistent empathetic engagement reduces PTSD symptoms by approximately 30% over a year-long therapeutic period, emphasizing the critical role of supportive social bonds in trauma recovery.
Peter Levine (2010), in In an Unspoken Voice, emphasizes how secure, empathetic relationships aid in restoring emotional and physiological balance, crucial for trauma recovery.

Physiological and Neurological Effects of Empathy on Trauma Healing

Empathy and emotional presence not only enhance psychological well-being but also support physiological healing. Empathy and secure attachments help regulate the nervous system, stabilizing cortisol levels, reducing stress response, and promoting neuroplasticity, enabling the brain to adapt and heal from traumatic experiences.

Effective Therapeutic Approaches and Strategies for Couples

Several therapeutic methods have proven effective in addressing emotional unavailability and trauma recovery:

Guided Hypnosis:
Hypnosis naturally induces theta states, scientifically proven ideal for rewriting old beliefs and promoting emotional healing.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Emphasizes the importance of validating emotional experiences, emotional mirroring, and creating secure attachment patterns within relationships.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Helps individuals process unresolved trauma through bilateral stimulation, effectively reducing emotional distress.
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): Enhances emotional regulation and reduces stress responses through mindfulness practices.

Cultural and Societal Influences on Emotional Availability

Societal and cultural norms around emotional expression can perpetuate emotional unavailability. Cultural narratives emphasizing emotional suppression or self-reliance can reinforce self-preservation behaviors. Increased societal awareness and education around the benefits of emotional vulnerability and empathy can foster healthier relationship dynamics and more effective trauma healing.

Conclusion

Recognizing the critical distinction between empathetic support and emotional self-preservation is essential for anyone healing from trauma. While empathy facilitates deep emotional healing and resilience, emotional self-preservation can unintentionally retraumatize, deepening wounds rather than healing them.

Being aware of these dynamics empowers individuals to consciously choose relationships and environments that foster genuine empathy, emotional presence, and healing authenticity.

References

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Bowlby, J., & Ainsworth, M. (1969). Attachment and Loss. Basic Books.
Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.
Charuvastra, A., & Cloitre, M. (2014). Social Bonds and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Annual Review of Psychology, 59, 301-328. doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.58.110405.085650

Empathy in Trauma Recovery: Why Emotional Support Matters