You Are Not the Scorecard: Finding Your True Self in the Game of Golf
By Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder
(Inspired by Eckhart Tolle’s wisdom: “You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”)
1. The Reality of Repeated Loss
As a golfer, I know the frustration of walking off the course wondering what just happened. I’ve been there—putting in the work, showing up with determination, and still losing or finishing dead last. Sometimes they even call it DFF: Dead Freaking (or another F-word) Last.
It’s not just humbling; it can be emotionally disorienting. You feel the sting of effort unrewarded, of performance not meeting potential. And in those moments, it’s easy to slip into the trap of thinking the loss says something about you.
Golf is a game of inches, but it tests the heart like a marathon. You walk the course with precision and patience, calculating every swing, every putt, every breath. You chase perfection in an imperfect game. And yet, no matter how much you prepare, how much you focus, there are days when it doesn’t come together.
2. The Illusion of Losing Yourself
The tournament slips through your fingers. A single missed putt changes everything. You feel the sting—not just of the score, but of something deeper, something more personal. It feels like you lost. Not just the round. Not just the prize. You.
But that’s the illusion.
Eckhart Tolle offers a truth that every athlete—especially every golfer—needs to hear:
“You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”
The trophy? You can lose it.
The applause? You can lose it.
Your best round, your lowest handicap, even your ranking—those are all things you have.
But your awareness, your discipline, your spirit, your love for the game—those are what you are. And those can never be lost.
3. The Identity Trap
For many golfers, the game becomes a mirror. It reflects back how they see themselves. A good round validates their talent, their hard work, their identity. A bad one? It can unravel everything.
It’s not unusual to hear a golfer say after a bad round, “I played like garbage,” or worse, “I am garbage.” In those moments, performance and identity collapse into each other. But this confusion is dangerous.
You are not your scorecard.
You are not your swing on the 16th hole.
You are not defined by your wins or your losses.
When we wrap our identity around an outcome, we set ourselves up for emotional volatility—highs that feel euphoric but fleeting, and lows that feel crushing and deeply personal.
But if you can separate what you have from what you are, everything changes.
4. What You Really Lost
At first glance, Tolle’s quote might seem to miss the mark. If you didn’t win the tournament, you never had it. So how could you have lost it?
Here’s the thing: while you may not have had the trophy in your hands, you likely carried something else:
• An image of yourself winning
• The belief that this tournament would validate your worth
• A vision of the perfect round, the perfect ending
• An identity built on being the champion
These attachments—to outcomes, identities, expectations—are what you actually “have.” And when reality doesn’t match them, it feels like something has been taken from you.
That’s where the pain lies. Not in the missed shot or the lost round—but in the collapse of an inner narrative the mind creates - narratives that compound our suffering by turning a simple event into an existential blow.
In contrast, the actual challenge - a bad round - is manageable. It can be reviewed, learned from and moved past.
You are the one who practiced. The one who showed up. The one who swung with courage.
And that cannot be lost.
5. Expectations & Attachment
Expectations: Fuel or Trap?
If I keep losing, won’t that damage my confidence, my pride, my sense of worth?
The answer depends on what your expectations are anchored in.
Expectations can fuel growth when they come from a place of curiosity and inner drive. They help you stretch, improve, and evolve. But they become toxic when your self-worth depends on meeting them. That’s the trap.
There’s a subtle but powerful difference between:
• Expectation: “I must win or I’m not enough.”
• Intention: “I aim to win, and I will give everything I have—but my worth isn’t tied to the result.”
Hold your expectations lightly. Let them guide you like a compass, not shackle you like a chain.
Is Attachment to Outcome Wrong?
Let’s be honest: it’s not wrong to want a particular outcome. In fact, some attachment is part of being human—and part of being passionate. Caring deeply about your goals can fuel effort, resilience, and focus.
The key is to notice when attachment turns into dependence. When your identity, peace, or sense of enough-ness depends on whether or not you win, attachment becomes a trap.
You can want to win.
You can visualize the perfect round.
You can feel disappointment when you fall short.
But if you can’t let go of that outcome, or if it becomes the sole reason you play, the joy begins to fade—and your emotional resilience along with it.
So shift your mindset:
• From clinging to committing
• From needing the win to bringing your best
Say to yourself: “I’m committed to winning—but my identity isn’t at stake.”
That’s not detachment. That’s freedom.
It lets you play fully, care deeply, and grow powerfully—without letting the outcome define you.
6. Feeling Disappointment Without Losing Yourself
Disappointment is part of caring deeply. When you’ve trained, sacrificed, and envisioned success, it’s only natural to feel the sting when it doesn’t happen.
But there’s a difference between feeling disappointment and becoming defeated.
When your identity isn’t entangled in the outcome, the disappointment doesn’t consume you.
You grieve the missed opportunity, but it doesn’t shatter your sense of self.
It becomes a wave that passes through you, not a storm that defines you.
You feel the loss, but you don’t become the loss.
7. The Takeaway: Advice for Every Golfer
So what’s the advice here?
It’s simple, but not always easy:
Don’t tie your identity to the outcome.
You can:
• Feel disappointment when you don’t win.
• Acknowledge frustration when your game doesn’t reflect your effort.
• Reflect on mistakes and learn from them.
But don’t mistake a poor performance for a personal failure.
Instead:
• Recognize that outcomes—like trophies, rankings, or expectations—are things you have.
• Know that who you are—your discipline, resilience, and love for the game—can’t be lost, even on your worst day.
• Let go of ego-driven expectations and return to the present moment, where the joy of the game lives.
This mindset helps you:
• Bounce back faster from losses.
• Stay emotionally grounded, even when things go sideways.
• Perform better by reducing pressure and fear.
Bottom line:
You’re not the scorecard. You’re the one holding the club.
Play from that place—and the game becomes both more powerful and more peaceful.
8. A Personal Note
I write this not just as a reflection, but as a fellow traveler on the fairways of frustration and growth. I’ve walked off the course angry. I’ve felt embarrassed. I’ve questioned whether the game is worth the emotional toll.
And yet, here I am, still showing up—not because I’ve mastered the game, but because it keeps teaching me how to master myself.
Every round is a chance to return to the present moment. To breathe. To reset. To remember:
The result doesn’t define me. The way I play, the way I recover, and the way I relate to myself through all of it—that’s what defines me.
If you’re reading this after a tough round, I hope you know: you are not alone, and you are not your score.
You are the spirit behind the swing. And that is always enough.
Ready for the next swing.
