What Should We Expect from Our Partners? Rewriting the Rules of Emotional Responsibility
By Joy Stephenson-Laws,Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder
We enter partnerships carrying dreams, needs, and wounds—each wrapped inside a set of expectations. Some we voice, some we inherit, and some remain so unconscious we only discover them when we feel disappointed. We expect our partner to listen, to stay, to understand, to hold us when we break. But when they don’t meet those expectations, is it truly their failure—or a sign that we’ve outsourced our own healing?
This article invites you to rewrite the emotional contracts you write in love. Instead of asking only “What do I want from my partner?” ask also, “What must I first provide for myself?”
1. The Hidden Cost of Emotional Rescue
It’s natural to crave comfort and reassurance from someone we love. But there’s a crucial difference between seeking support and expecting someone to rescue us. Many of us unconsciously hand off our emotional safety to our partner—wanting them to regulate our panic, soothe our rage, or fix our sadness. That impulse often comes from unacknowledged wounds in our past.
Attachment & Unmet Needs
According to Dr. Sue Johnson (creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy), romantic attachment can trigger primal fears and childhood wounds. When those wounds remain unacknowledged, we seek partners to unconsciously fulfill unmet needs from our past. Expecting a partner to parent us emotionally isn’t sustainable—or fair to them.Data Point on Codependence
In a 2019 Gottman Institute survey, 67 percent of partnered adults said that feeling unheard by their spouse was more painful than feeling unappreciated. When we look to our partner to “fix” our emotional ups and downs—and they’re unable to respond in exactly the way we need—we end up feeling unheard, which often erodes relationship satisfaction.Personal Reflection
Early in my own relationship, I was had an emotional breakdown after burnout and unresolved grief. I expected my partner to drop everything and hold me through it. When he hesitated—not because he didn’t care, but because he didn’t know how—I felt abandoned. It took me a while to realize that what I really needed was to stay with myself and let him be a witness, not a savior. By outsourcing my emotional regulation, I burdened him in a way he could not sustain. Over time, this would have bred frustration on both sides: one partner feels blamed for not “being enough,” and the other feels exhausted by the endless need to rescue.
2. Defining a Healthy Expectation
So what should we expect from a partner? Relationship experts often point to four pillars of emotional safety—without slipping into codependence:
Trust
Respect
Presence
Honest Communication
Support doesn’t mean salvation. We can—and should—lean on each other, but we must also learn to stand alone. Our partner can walk beside us, but the journey inward is ours to take.
3. Building Your Inner Witness
One of the most profound skills you can develop is the ability to observe yourself with compassion. Many spiritual and psychological traditions call this “the Inner Witness”: the part of you that stays calm while chaos rises. It watches the storm without becoming it.
Why It Matters
A 2017 study in Mindfulness in Practice found that participants who practiced a five-minute daily “observe the breath” exercise reported 25 percent less emotional reactivity by week 4. When you become your own witness, you reduce the emotional burden you place on your partner.
How to Practice
Pause & Label
When anger or sadness surges, silently say, “Here is anger… I am the watcher of anger.”Breathe Alongside
Take three intentional breaths, imagining yourself sitting beside the emotion rather than inside it.Notice & Return
Notice where you feel it in your body (chest, throat, gut), then gently return to your breath.
Example:
In moments of rage or sadness, pause and breathe—intentionally. Imagine sitting beside the emotion rather than inside it. Sometimes, that’s enough to allow you to speak from clarity rather than chaos.
4. When Your Partner Withdraws: Recognizing Emotional Flooding
Sometimes, when we’re hurting, our partner disappears—physically or emotionally. This is devastating when we’re vulnerable. But it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. More often, it signals that your partner hasn’t yet learned to face their own emotions, let alone yours.
Recognizing the Cycle
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that when one partner emotionally floods (i.e., becomes overwhelmed by intense feelings), the other often withdraws—a nervous-system response, not a moral failing. Seeing this pattern as a biological reaction rather than personal rejection can shift blame into curiosity.
Case in Point (Micro-Story)
Late one evening, Michael came home clearly frustrated after a tense day at work. As soon as he walked in, he muttered, “We need to talk about our budget again,” in a sharp tone. Sarah felt her chest tighten and panic rising—she used to immediately blurt out, “Tell me it’s okay!” hoping he’d calm her down.
This time, instead of reacting, Sarah pressed her hand to her chest and thought, “I’m feeling anxious and defensive.” She took three slow breaths, counting quietly to four on each inhale and exhale. Then she said, “Michael, right now I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need two minutes to steady myself before we continue.”
Sarah stepped into their bedroom, closed the door, and spent those two minutes gently breathing, reminding herself, “I’m safe; I can sit with this anxiety.” After the pause, she returned and said calmly, “I feel safer now. When you said ‘we need to talk,’ I panicked because I wasn’t sure what had gone wrong. Now I’d like to talk about our savings without both of us getting swept away by fear.”
By noticing her own anxiety and pausing, Sarah prevented an argument from spiraling. Instead of demanding reassurance, she used her Inner Witness to label her emotion, breathe through it, and return ready for a clear, honest conversation.
Discernment Questions
Can you stay grounded when your partner can’t meet you?
Can you sit with your own pain without expecting them to catch it?
What small self-soothing step can you take right now (e.g., drink water, step outside, journal)?
Note: When your partner withdraws, notice that this is not a test of their love but an invitation for you to deepen your own capacity to self-regulate.
5. Drafting a New Emotional Contract
Many of us are still operating under old “love contracts”—unspoken rules that set us up for disappointment. Let’s rewrite those rules.
Old Contract (Unspoken Rules)
“If you love me, you will never leave.”
“You will always understand my every mood.”
“You will fix me whenever I’m broken.”
New Contract (Rewriting the Rules)
Ownership of Inner World: “I will be responsible for my inner world.”
Invitation to Witness: “I invite you into my emotional space—not to fix it, but to witness me in it.”
Mutual Reciprocity: “I offer you the same presence when you need it.”
Try Saying This Aloud:
“I want us both to walk beside each other through our pain—witnessing rather than rescuing. I promise to tend to my own emotional storms first, and I invite you to witness me when I’m hurting.”
This new contract doesn’t weaken love—it strengthens it. It comes from two whole people choosing to walk each other home, rather than dragging each other out of their wounds.
6. Try This Tonight: Action Steps
Choose one or two small practices to try within the next 24 hours. Write them down, set a reminder, or tell your partner so you can hold each other accountable:
Notice Your Trigger
When you feel the urge to have your partner fix you, label it: “I’m panicking, wanting reassurance.” Then pause for 5 seconds.
Action: Tonight, notice once and label silently.
Practice Inner Witness
Spend two quiet minutes sitting with whatever you feel. Tell yourself: “Here is my sadness… I am watching it.” Then breathe alongside it.
Action: Before bed, spend two minutes in mindful witness (no phone, no distractions).
Communicate Your Need Clearly
Next time you talk about stress, begin with: “Right now I feel ____, and I don’t need a solution—I just want to be witnessed.”
Action: Pick one conversation this week to open with that sentence.
Draft Your Personal “Why”
Write one sentence summarizing why you want to shift from codependence to co-responsibility.
Action: Text or email that sentence to yourself as a reminder.
7. Returning to the Self
At the heart of all relationship pain is often a forgotten relationship with self. We long for someone to stay, to see, to soothe us. But the paradox is this: the more we learn to stay with ourselves, the less we fear abandonment. The more we see ourselves clearly, the more we can invite others to truly see us.
So what should we expect from our partners?
Not salvation.
Not perfection.
But presence, honesty, and shared growth—along with the space to become the kind of person who no longer runs from their own reflection.
Reflect for a Moment:
Close your eyes. Feel what you feel. Ask yourself, “What do I most need to witness in my own heart today?” Then breathe. When you open your eyes, consider sharing that “inner witness” statement with your partner.Conclusion
Relationships thrive when we honor both connection and autonomy—inviting our partner into our emotional world without expecting them to fix it. By shifting from old “rescue” contracts to a new framework of shared witnessing and personal responsibility, we create space for genuine trust, respect, presence, and honest communication.
Own Your Inner World: Practice observing your emotions with compassion (the Inner Witness) so you can approach your partner from clarity rather than chaos.
Rewrite Your Emotional Contract: Replace unspoken rules (“You must fix me”) with mutual promises to witness each other’s pain without rescuing.
Deepen Self-Regulation: When you feel triggered, pause, label the emotion, and breathe—showing yourself that you can sit with discomfort.
Respond, Don’t React: If your partner withdraws in the face of flooding, recognize it as a nervous-system response. Use it as an opportunity to deepen your capacity for self-soothing.
Ultimately, love isn’t about completion or perfection. It’s about two whole people choosing to walk beside one another—each tending to their inner storms first, then offering presence, compassion, and honest conversation. When we learn to stay with ourselves, we fear abandonment less and invite our partners to truly see us.
Your Next Step: Take a moment now to ask yourself, “What do I most need to witness in my own heart today?” Breathe into that answer, and when you’re ready, consider sharing it with your partner. Real partnership begins when we show up as whole, self-responsible individuals—ready to walk each other home.
References / Further Reading
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Emotion, 14(1), 130–144. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Gottman Institute research on emotional flooding and withdrawal. Retrieved from www.gottman.com