By Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder

I was raised in a strict Seventh-day Adventist household in rural Jamaica, where two convictions felt as permanent as the mountains: “drugs ruin lives” and “homosexuality is a sin.” I carried those beliefs to the United States certain they would keep my family—and my conscience—safe.

Life, however, had other plans. My child slipped into alcohol and drug misuse before high school, and many of my dearest friends here turned out to be gay, lesbian, or trans.

Just yesterday a young gay friend—my son’s age—told me his church-going parents would happily share a restaurant meal with him but would never attend his wedding because “God forbids it.” His story echoed my own: harsh rules returning like a boomerang.

Irony on the Public Stage—We’re Not Alone

Elon Musk mocked pronouns, yet his daughter Vivian Jenna Wilson now vogues on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Senator Rob Portman helped write the Defense of Marriage Act—until his son Will came out, prompting a complete reversal.
Vice-President Dick Cheney ultimately supported marriage equality after years of tension around his lesbian daughter, Mary.
President Rodrigo Duterte led a lethal drug war while his son Paolo was questioned over a $125 million cocaine shipment.

Biology Won’t Obey Our Sermons

Science explains part of that boomerang. A 2019 study that scanned the genomes of nearly half a million people found several DNA regions tied to same-sex behavior; genetics account for roughly eight to twenty-five percent of orientation.

Similarly, a 2023 meta-analysis of more than a million individuals identified dozens of genes that raise the risk of alcohol, opioid, cannabis, and nicotine problems—about half of addiction vulnerability is inherited.

We can preach abstinence or heterosexuality all day, but DNA has a louder voice.

Psychology Turns Rigid Rules into Rebellion

Genetics sets the stage, yet parenting still shapes the script. Research on more than four thousand U.S. adolescents in 2023 showed that tight control combined with little warmth—what many call “zero tolerance”—amplifies psychological reactance, the instinct to push back when freedom feels threatened. Looking back, my own uncompromising stance did not protect my child; it merely pushed his struggle underground and deepened my young friend’s hurt when his parents kept their love conditional.

Family Systems: Why the “Problem Child” Isn’t the Problem

Family-systems therapy describes a household as an emotional ecosystem: strain in one corner eventually leaks into another.

When we outlaw honest conversation—“No drugs, no gay talk”—anxiety accumulates. Someone, usually the most sensitive member, begins to carry that invisible load by “acting out.” The family labels them the identified patient, focusing every corrective effort on the symptom while marital tension, financial stress, or fear of gossip stays hidden.

Paradoxically, the child’s behavior keeps the household from imploding; their visible struggle distracts from fractures the adults cannot face. Healing begins only when everyone names the true pressures, shares responsibility, replaces shame with steady warmth, and—often with a therapist’s help—learns to speak without scapegoats.

Religion Also Teaches Tolerance

Even strict faiths have built-in calls to kindness:

Christianity: “Love your neighbor as yourself” and “Judge not, that you be not judged.” (Matthew 22:39; 7:1)
Judaism: Kavod Ha’Briyot — honor the dignity of every human being (Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5).
Islam: “No compulsion in religion” (Q 2:256) and “We created you … so that you may know one another.” (Q 49:13).
Hinduism: Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam — “The world is one family” (Mahā Upaniṣad 6:72).
Buddhism: Practice of Metta (boundless loving-kindness) and the first precept to avoid causing harm.
Sikhism: Langar (open communal meal) embodying Sarbat da Bhalla — the welfare of all.
Baha’i Faith: “The earth is but one country, and mankind its citizens.” (Bahá’u’lláh).

When parents lean on these verses, religion becomes a bridge instead of a hammer.

A Broader Spiritual Lens

Mystics across traditions add that what we resist, persists. Children and friends serve as mirrors, reflecting disowned parts of ourselves until we meet them with compassion. Some teachings even suggest we choose these very challenges before birth so that love might widen its reach.

My child’s addiction and my queer friendships are not punishments; they are invitations to an unguarded heart.

Practices That Turn a Boomerang Into a Blessing

Boundaries with warmth

I still set firm limits—no drunk driving, no hateful language—but I frame them inside a promise of presence: “I love you too much to enable harm, and enough to stay if you stumble.” When rules are wrapped in care rather than threat, loved ones feel guided instead of policed, and they’re likelier to ask for help before a crisis erupts.

Science-based conversations

Over coffee or a car ride we trade podcast snippets about addiction genes or read a plain-language article on the biology of sexual orientation. Treating those topics like weather reports—matter-of-fact, no moral fog—shrinks shame and teaches the family to see risk factors as data we can plan around, not verdicts about character.

Shadow work

Reactive moments are my cue to pause, breathe, and ask, “What part of me is flaring up?” A ten-minute journal entry, a guided meditation, or an Internal Family Systems check-in lets me greet the anxious or judgmental part before it spills onto others. The result is fewer knee-jerk lectures and more curious questions.

Early, affirming help

We don’t wait for rock bottom. If a teen cousin wonders about pronouns, I text them a list of LGBTQ-positive therapists. If your child first tried vaping THC, book an adolescent-addiction specialist within a week. Research shows stigma-free support delivered early can cut depression, suicide risk, and relapse by half.

Nightly gratitude for mirrors

Each evening, I try to list three moments that revealed where love can still expand—the coworker whose chatter tested my patience, the couple holding hands who reminded me love wears many faces, my child’s frustration that begged for gentler guidance. By thanking these “mirrors,” I turn irritation into insight and train my attention toward growth.

Closing Reflection

My Jamaican upbringing taught me to brand certain behaviors as sin. Biology, psychology, religion’s deeper calls to compassion, and—most poignantly—my child and queer friends have since shown me a richer truth: judgment boomerangs until we replace it with curiosity and empathy. When we answer that call, the very rules that once harmed our families become pathways to grace.

Sources

Ganna, A. et al. “Large-Scale GWAS Reveals Insights into the Genetic Architecture of Same-Sex Sexual Behavior.” Science (2019). https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aat7693
Hatoum, A. S. et al. “Multivariate Genome-Wide Association Meta-Analysis of Multiple Substance-Use Disorders.” Nature Mental Health (2023). https://www.nature.com/articles/s44220-023-00034-y
Donaldson, C. D. et al. “Parental Warmth, Monitoring, and Psychological Reactance in Adolescent Cannabis Use.” Addictive Behaviors 136 (2023): 107466. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36055056/
Minuchin, S. Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press, 1974. https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctvjz83h8
Musk, E. “Pronouns Suck.” X/Twitter post, 25 July 2020. https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1286825223800557570
Rodriguez, M. “Vivian Jenna Wilson Stole the Show at the Drag Race All Stars Premiere Party.” Them (12 May 2025). https://www.them.us/story/vivian-jenna-wilson-rupauls-drag-race-all-stars-premiere-party-dancing-video
Bash, D. “Sen. Rob Portman Reverses Gay-Marriage Position.” CNN (15 Mar 2013). https://cnnpressroom.blogs.cnn.com/2013/03/15/sen-rob-portman-reverses-gay-marriage-position-in-cnn-interview/
Davies, E. “The True Story Behind the Cheney Family Feud Over Gay Marriage.” People (5 Aug 2023). https://people.com/politics/dick-cheney-gay-daughter-mary-feud-liz-vice/
Lema, K. “Philippine President’s Son Denies Links to $125 Million Drug Shipment.” Reuters (7 Sep 2017). https://www.reuters.com/article/world/philippine-presidents-son-denies-links-to-125-million-drug-shipment-idUSKCN1BI0K3

Karma in the Living Room: When Parental Judgment Boomerangs