"Big Boys Don't Cry": Why This Phrase Damages Our Sons
Part 1 of 2: Understanding the Problem
By Joy Stephenson-Laws, Holistic Coach, J.D., Founder
The Question That Changed Everything
In my book Secrets That Sparkle (and Secrets That Sting), I teach children ages 5 and up about two types of secrets. Some secrets are fun - like hiding a birthday present. Other secrets feel heavy, "like stones sitting in your belly." The book teaches kids that secrets that hurt should always be told to a safe adult.
During a recent interview about the book, someone asked me a powerful question: "In a world that tells boys they shouldn't cry, how do we get them to tell us when something is wrong?"
That question hit home. We want our sons to grow into emotionally healthy men. But we start their childhood by teaching them to hide their feelings. As I thought about it, I realized that doing this is like trying to build a house starting with the roof instead of the foundation.
Why Two Parts?
This topic is too important to rush through. In this first article, we'll explore the science behind why phrases like "big boys don't cry" are harmful - looking at brain development, research on men's mental health, and the long-term results of hiding emotions.
In Part 2, I'll share practical strategies you can use starting today - the specific phrases to say (and avoid), daily practices that build emotional skills, and how to create a truly safe space for your son to share his feelings.
If you already understand the problem and want to skip straight to solutions, go to Part 2. But I encourage you to read both - understanding the "why" makes the "how" much more powerful.
How Young Brains Actually Work
Here's what scientists know about how children's brains grow: The part of the brain that feels emotions develops much earlier than the part that controls emotions. The emotion center is active from birth. But the control center doesn't fully develop until people are in their mid-twenties. The timing varies by brain region and by individual child.
This means young kids feel everything intensely. That's not a problem - it's normal. They need to feel emotions fully, learn to name them, and practice expressing them before they can learn to manage them.
When we tell a five-year-old boy "big boys don't cry," we're not teaching him to be strong. We're teaching him to hide his feelings before he even understands what those feelings are.
The Hidden Messages
Today, we might not use the exact phrase "big boys don't cry." But we still send the same message when we say "man up," "don't be a baby," "toughen up," or even "you're okay" when a child is clearly upset.
When we tell boys not to cry, we think we're teaching them to be tough. But here's what we're actually teaching:
Your feelings are shameful - you need to hide them
Don't trust yourself - ignore what your body is telling you
Asking for help is weak - figure everything out alone
You're on your own - there's no safe place to share problems
Some feelings are okay, others aren't - splitting yourself in half
We're not building strength. We're building walls.
What the Research Shows
Studies reveal the long-term results of teaching boys to hide emotions:
They Struggle to Understand Their Own Feelings
Men are twice as likely as women to have trouble identifying and describing their emotions. One study in Finland found that about 10% of people struggle to understand their own feelings, and men make up most of that 10%. When boys learn early that certain feelings are "wrong," they stop learning the words to describe what's happening inside them.
Everything Becomes Anger
Boys who aren't allowed to show sadness, fear, or worry often turn everything into anger - usually the only emotion that seems "manly" enough. Research has consistently found that men who follow traditional "tough guy" rules are more likely to show depression through anger and irritability rather than sadness. The Male Depression Risk Scale, developed and tested in multiple studies, specifically measures this pattern. It captures how men show emotional pain through anger, aggression, substance use, and risk-taking rather than typical signs of depression.
Substance Use as Self-Medication
Boys and men who struggle to identify and express emotions are also at higher risk for substance abuse. When you can't name what hurts or don't have permission to talk about it, substances become a way to numb the pain. Research shows that men who follow traditional masculine rules (including hiding emotions) have higher rates of alcohol and drug use. Even more concerning: when teens use drugs or alcohol, it damages the brain areas that are still learning to handle emotion. This creates a cycle where hiding emotions leads to substance use, which then makes emotional development even harder.
Relationships Suffer
A large research review found that men who follow strict "masculine" rules (like not showing emotion) have less happy relationships and more conflict with partners. You can't be emotionally close to someone if you've been trained to disconnect from your own feelings.
Mental Health Gets Worse
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, men die by suicide at rates nearly four times higher than women in the United States. The reasons are complicated. They include differences in how deadly the methods are, access to guns, substance use patterns, and barriers to getting mental healthcare. Research shows that hiding emotions and refusing to admit struggles are linked to these patterns. But proving it directly causes suicide is difficult, because there are many different reasons involved.
To be clear: saying "big boys don't cry" isn't the only reason men struggle with mental health. Money stress, loneliness, substance use, and lack of access to healthcare all play big roles. But teaching boys to hide vulnerable emotions is part of a bigger pattern that's connected to these problems.
Skipping Steps Doesn't Work
Learning to handle emotions is a skill. But you have to learn the basics first. You can't manage what you can't name. You can't control what you've been taught to ignore.
Here's how emotional skills actually develop:
Ages 0-7: Learning to recognize and name feelings; understanding that all emotions give you information; learning that grown-ups will help with big feelings
Ages 7-12: Learning healthy ways to show different emotions; building a bigger vocabulary for feelings; practicing asking for help when needed
Ages 12 and Up: Developing more ways to handle strong emotions; understanding what triggers certain feelings; using feelings to help make choices
You can't skip these steps. Telling boys "don't cry" tries to jump straight to the end without building the foundation. It doesn't work. It just creates adults who are cut off from half of what makes them human.
The Most Dangerous Silence
Perhaps most importantly, boys who've been taught that vulnerable emotions are shameful face a serious problem when they need help most. Research shows that boys tell someone about abuse at much lower rates than girls. They often wait years or decades to tell anyone.
When children learn that admitting they were hurt, scared, or powerless is "weak," they can't ask for help even when they desperately need it. The "secret that stings" becomes unbearable—but the shame of appearing vulnerable feels even worse.
This is why emotional safety isn't just about feelings—it's about protection. Boys need to know that telling a trusted adult when something feels wrong is always brave, never shameful.
What Real Strength Looks Like
Real strength isn't pretending you don't have feelings. It's having the courage to admit what you feel and knowing when to share it. When a child tells a trusted adult that something feels wrong, that's not weakness. When a boy recognizes that a secret is "sitting in his belly like stones" and speaks up? That's the bravest thing he can do.
Researcher Dr. Brené Brown has spent years studying courage and vulnerability. Her studies show that the people who live the fullest, most connected lives all share one thing: they have the courage to be real about who they are and what they feel. That requires being aware of emotions and willing to express them.
The Choice We Face
We can continue raising boys who become men struggling to understand their own feelings, expressing all distress as anger, and disconnecting from the people they love. Or we can do something different.
We can teach boys that emotions aren't weakness - they're information. That crying is normal and healthy. That asking for help is smart. That being real with safe people builds connection. That knowing your feelings is the foundation for everything else - good relationships, success at school and work, and being a good leader.
But first, we have to let them cry. We have to teach them that their inner world matters, that vulnerable feelings deserve to be expressed, and that speaking up about pain isn't shameful - it's the bravest thing to do.
In my next article, I'll share practical strategies for creating emotionally safe spaces for boys - the specific words to use, the phrases to avoid, and simple daily practices that build emotional literacy.
Because safe kids are strong kids. And strong kids become men who know that real strength includes the courage to feel.
Joy Stephenson-Laws is the author of "Secrets That Sparkle (and Secrets That Sting): A Rhyming Picture Book for Ages 5+." The book helps children tell the difference between fun secrets and harmful ones, giving them the power to speak up when something doesn't feel right.
Where This Information Comes From
About Brain Development:
Casey, B. J., Tottenham, N., Liston, C., & Durston, S. (2005). Imaging the developing brain: what have we learned about cognitive development? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(3), 104-110.
Gogtay, N., Giedd, J. N., Lusk, L., et al. (2004). Dynamic mapping of human cortical development during childhood through early adulthood. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 101(21), 8174-8179.
About Men and Emotions:
Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., Williams, C. M., & Hasan, N. T. (2009). Gender differences in alexithymia. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 10(3), 190-203.
Salminen, J. K., Saarijärvi, S., Äärelä, E., Toikka, T., & Kauhanen, J. (1999). Prevalence of alexithymia and its association with sociodemographic variables in the general population of Finland. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 46(1), 75-82.
About Substance Use:
Iwamoto, D. K., Cheng, A., Lee, C. S., Takamatsu, S., & Gordon, D. (2011). "Man-ing" up and getting drunk: The role of masculine norms, alcohol intoxication and alcohol-related problems among college men. Addictive Behaviors, 36(9), 906-911.
About Anger and Depression in Men:
Rice, S. M., Fallon, B. J., Aucote, H. M., & Möller-Leimkühler, A. M. (2013). Development and preliminary validation of the male depression risk scale. Journal of Affective Disorders, 151(3), 950-958.
Rice, S. M., Aucote, H. M., Parker, A. G., et al. (2017). Men's depression: The impact of adherence to masculine norms. Australian Psychologist, 52(3), 212-221.
About Abuse Disclosure:
Easton, S. D., Saltzman, L. Y., & Willis, D. G. (2014). "Would you tell under circumstances like that?": Barriers to disclosure of child sexual abuse for men. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 15(4), 460-469.
About Relationships:
Wong, Y. J., Pituch, K. A., & Rochlen, A. B. (2006). Men's restrictive emotionality. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 7(2), 113-126.
About Suicide:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports. https://wisqars.cdc.gov
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Suicide Prevention. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention
About Men's Mental Health:
American Psychological Association. (2018). APA guidelines for psychological practice with boys and men. http://www.apa.org/about/policy/boys-men-practice-guidelines.pdf
Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., et al. (2016). The role of masculinity in men's help-seeking for depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106-118.
About Vulnerability:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.